Some years ago I was in conversation with a woman whose father had committed suicide when she was fresh out of university. It was now over forty years later, but she was still clearly scarred by the experience. Despite having sought counselling from the church (having turned to religion in an effort to come to terms with what had happened) she was still struggling to cope and admitted how much it still affected her. When I probed somewhat, she described her father's suicide as "the ultimate rejection" of her.
I thought about it for a few moments, then asked her why she believed it was about her? Surely suicide was the ultimate selfish and self-focused act? She had not been present. She was not the cause of her father's action. She had nothing to do with the reasons that provoked his choice. Wasn't her response now a choice based not upon anything he had done, but on her own decision to assume a totally unjustified culpability? A heated debate followed, and the woman would not/could not concede that she had a choice in the matter. In her book, what she felt was what she felt.
More recently I came across a woman and her partner whose relationship was foundering because her partner would not open up to her about many aspects of his 'inner' life. When they experienced conflict, his instinctive response was to withdraw into himself, even to the point where he refused to have any communication whatsoever until he felt "ready to do so". When pressed for an explanation of his behaviour he explained that when he was growing up, his family had not encouraged open communication. They had been positively oppressive when any discussion involving emotions came up, and it was standard behaviour in their household to keep one’s inner most feelings to oneself. The need to express what was important to you personally was something to be subsumed. Consequently he was now simply "unable to share".
I thought about it for a few moments and asked why he believed he was "unable to share"? Surely this was a choice, not an inability. Was there something that was actually physically preventing him from opening up? Or was it possible that it was actually a decision based upon a habit he had formed in childhood or adolescence, that he was now unprepared to move beyond? Could he not see that he was now totally at liberty to express himself fully and to his heart's desire, if he wanted to? A heated debate followed, and the man would not/could not concede that he had any control over the matter. In his book, he was the way he was.
These are merely two examples of instances where I have come across situations of destructive victimology. Yet I could list many similar examples in which individuals appear hell-bent upon bringing themselves as much misery as possible by seemingly not wanting to take responsibility for what happens in their lives. I find it painful to observe. It is the antithesis of how our lives should be, yet the very thing that contemporary society, perhaps inadvertently, encourages.
The majority of the population do not seek professional care for that which erodes the strength of their psyche. Instead, they employ pseudo-psychological approaches that go as far as looking for places to lay the blame by seeking for root causes (perhaps deeply embedded within us) that provide justification for our current state of being. And then they stop. We are encouraged to look outside of ourselves for explanations for our feelings and responses. The realization and adoption of the 'it wasn't my fault' mantra might even be seen as a prerequisite for shedding the most onerous burdens that impinge upon our personal psyche.
Whilst identifying the origins of our problems is indeed a starting point to healing, it shouldn't stop there. Professional help would extend to the realms of what the individual is able to do about healing themselves. It encourages and enables the recipient to accept, release and move on (if such is their choosing).
Simply finding a cause is an almost futile exercise.
We can get hung up on any or all of the stages of healing.
In my two examples, the woman is always troubled by her father's suicide by not accepting that it was his choice to make: there was nothing she could do about it. The man is unable to release himself from the familial constraints that are no more real for him now than a fairy tale that gave him nightmares as a child. Both choose to immerse themselves in a cruel self deception and thus beleaguer their lives.
The majority of us will experience cataclysmic events which may be regarded as instrumental in understanding how we become what we are. But they are after all, only events. They have happened and are now part of the past. They are irrefutable and unchangeable, albeit subject to personal perspective (e.g. I killed myself because I couldn't face life vs. he killed himself because he didn't care enough about me), but nonetheless historical.
The event itself (E) does not determine the outcome (O). In all things, under all circumstances, the outcome of any event that we experience in our lives must surely be determined by our response (R) to it. In other words, it is the combination of event plus the response that equals the outcome (E+R=O). It is an equation for self-determination, and if we chose to exclude ourselves by allowing the event to be the sole determinant of the outcome (E=O) we are perpetually and unendingly powerless.We are only ever victims.
This is not how things are meant to be.
Life throws many challenges at us; old soul lifetimes more than most. One of the greatest pieces of learning we may garner on our journeys, and embrace as an aspect of our being that is reflected in our approach to all that befalls us, is E+R=O.
As I have repeatedly explained, the challenges we face are not only necessary for our ascension, but predetermined by ourselves. If we constantly seek to shift the burden of responsibility to others rather than deal with the events that impact us, we merely flaunt our preparedness to prefer victimology as a life preference, rather than embrace our opportunity for progressing upon our pathway.
Being a victim is an unacceptable mindset for those in their old soul lifetimes. We should be acutely aware of our presence in impacting upon every aspect of our being and controlling where our emotions take us; not on the basis of habituated beliefs or societally formed norms that are external to us, but from the perspective of personal discernment and informed decision. We can and should chose how we feel about all that which occurs around us and be masters through the responses we give.
And if we don't make the right choices in the moment, we should simply change them.
It's that simple.
I thought about it for a few moments, then asked her why she believed it was about her? Surely suicide was the ultimate selfish and self-focused act? She had not been present. She was not the cause of her father's action. She had nothing to do with the reasons that provoked his choice. Wasn't her response now a choice based not upon anything he had done, but on her own decision to assume a totally unjustified culpability? A heated debate followed, and the woman would not/could not concede that she had a choice in the matter. In her book, what she felt was what she felt.
More recently I came across a woman and her partner whose relationship was foundering because her partner would not open up to her about many aspects of his 'inner' life. When they experienced conflict, his instinctive response was to withdraw into himself, even to the point where he refused to have any communication whatsoever until he felt "ready to do so". When pressed for an explanation of his behaviour he explained that when he was growing up, his family had not encouraged open communication. They had been positively oppressive when any discussion involving emotions came up, and it was standard behaviour in their household to keep one’s inner most feelings to oneself. The need to express what was important to you personally was something to be subsumed. Consequently he was now simply "unable to share".
I thought about it for a few moments and asked why he believed he was "unable to share"? Surely this was a choice, not an inability. Was there something that was actually physically preventing him from opening up? Or was it possible that it was actually a decision based upon a habit he had formed in childhood or adolescence, that he was now unprepared to move beyond? Could he not see that he was now totally at liberty to express himself fully and to his heart's desire, if he wanted to? A heated debate followed, and the man would not/could not concede that he had any control over the matter. In his book, he was the way he was.
These are merely two examples of instances where I have come across situations of destructive victimology. Yet I could list many similar examples in which individuals appear hell-bent upon bringing themselves as much misery as possible by seemingly not wanting to take responsibility for what happens in their lives. I find it painful to observe. It is the antithesis of how our lives should be, yet the very thing that contemporary society, perhaps inadvertently, encourages.
The majority of the population do not seek professional care for that which erodes the strength of their psyche. Instead, they employ pseudo-psychological approaches that go as far as looking for places to lay the blame by seeking for root causes (perhaps deeply embedded within us) that provide justification for our current state of being. And then they stop. We are encouraged to look outside of ourselves for explanations for our feelings and responses. The realization and adoption of the 'it wasn't my fault' mantra might even be seen as a prerequisite for shedding the most onerous burdens that impinge upon our personal psyche.
Whilst identifying the origins of our problems is indeed a starting point to healing, it shouldn't stop there. Professional help would extend to the realms of what the individual is able to do about healing themselves. It encourages and enables the recipient to accept, release and move on (if such is their choosing).
Simply finding a cause is an almost futile exercise.
- Recognition is not the same as acceptance.
- Constantly reliving the past and replaying events is hardly releasing.
- Without these two, moving on becomes an impossibility.
We can get hung up on any or all of the stages of healing.
In my two examples, the woman is always troubled by her father's suicide by not accepting that it was his choice to make: there was nothing she could do about it. The man is unable to release himself from the familial constraints that are no more real for him now than a fairy tale that gave him nightmares as a child. Both choose to immerse themselves in a cruel self deception and thus beleaguer their lives.
The majority of us will experience cataclysmic events which may be regarded as instrumental in understanding how we become what we are. But they are after all, only events. They have happened and are now part of the past. They are irrefutable and unchangeable, albeit subject to personal perspective (e.g. I killed myself because I couldn't face life vs. he killed himself because he didn't care enough about me), but nonetheless historical.
The event itself (E) does not determine the outcome (O). In all things, under all circumstances, the outcome of any event that we experience in our lives must surely be determined by our response (R) to it. In other words, it is the combination of event plus the response that equals the outcome (E+R=O). It is an equation for self-determination, and if we chose to exclude ourselves by allowing the event to be the sole determinant of the outcome (E=O) we are perpetually and unendingly powerless.We are only ever victims.
This is not how things are meant to be.
Life throws many challenges at us; old soul lifetimes more than most. One of the greatest pieces of learning we may garner on our journeys, and embrace as an aspect of our being that is reflected in our approach to all that befalls us, is E+R=O.
As I have repeatedly explained, the challenges we face are not only necessary for our ascension, but predetermined by ourselves. If we constantly seek to shift the burden of responsibility to others rather than deal with the events that impact us, we merely flaunt our preparedness to prefer victimology as a life preference, rather than embrace our opportunity for progressing upon our pathway.
Being a victim is an unacceptable mindset for those in their old soul lifetimes. We should be acutely aware of our presence in impacting upon every aspect of our being and controlling where our emotions take us; not on the basis of habituated beliefs or societally formed norms that are external to us, but from the perspective of personal discernment and informed decision. We can and should chose how we feel about all that which occurs around us and be masters through the responses we give.
And if we don't make the right choices in the moment, we should simply change them.
It's that simple.